oh please as if anyone is ever going to stumble upon my blog and notice that after 10 lightyears (actually that's a measure of distance, not so much of time) 2 millenniums and a trigamazillion decades later, I've finally bothered to actually post again.

OH god. I wonder whether I'm still narcissistic enough to start this again.

Apparently yes,
for now.

YEESH!

I'm becoming a total antisocial, angoraphobic psychopath. And I'm not just saying that.

I mean, I spent my first 2 weeks of holidays holed up at home, reading.

Reading you say? Well that doesnt sound THAT BAD, doesn't it?
In normal circumstances, I'd agree. But I read the entire bloody(no pun intended, really!) twilight saga, damnit!
And that, is just, abhorribly abnormal.

The only thing I remembered about twilight was that I flinched everytime someone said it to me. Went about tellin people
" don't READ IT. don't READ IT. dont MENTION IT IN FRONT OF ME. don't TALK TO ME ABOUT IT."

Guess there's something to be said about reverse psychology.

But I've got to say. I guess I'm feeling what the stupid fuss about the book is all about.
Kinda killed the inner cynic in me for awhile.
That IS something. Either that or it's just my hormones talking.

I've been quite a bum since the commencement of the long awaited, overrated, overhyped up holidays.
Other than excavating the Mt Everest made of TenYearSeries and exam papers in my room, I've been pretty much lazing and idling around in my happy place(apparently I'm deluded already).

Oh dear, think I'm becoming incoherent again.

I wonder anything productive actually came out of this entire post. For all I know, I could be hallucinating about typing this entry. Alas, I'm not.

Man, do I sound crazy or what?

MT O levls were pretty lukewarm, i experienced an influx of multiple emotions during each paper.
The bewilderement when I flipped Paper 1 and realised none of the questions actualy made sense(to me).
The defeated (what's the england equivalent for 'sian'?) feeling when I had no choice but to submit myself into choosing to write a letter to the newspaper about mindless, reckless drivers and a analysis of the supposedly inferior service standards of Spore's tourism industry.

[ahem, it all sounds really complex and impressive when I say it here. well that's because I'm speaking in english, if you actually read my essay in chinese, it wouldn't be surprising if you mistook it for a paper written by a dyslexic 5 yr old.]

The triumphant feeling when I finally completed both essays, albeit secretly being aware that most of it was the result of a dyslexic child with verbal diarrhoea.
Then feeling a bit guilty and repulsed by my awkward eloquence that filled my essay which force fed with vague and cliched idioms like, " fan shi bi you ying, " (which sounds abit like rice has to have english without those tone strokes, wadever u call it) meaning everthing happens for a reason and a lot of other boring stuff that everyone else probably thought of.

The my-life-has-no-purpose feeling when I realised that I wrote the date format on my letter was daymonthyear, THE VERY SECOND THE TCHER WAS COLLECTING THE PAPER FROM ME.
I think I got so used to saying nian yue ri(yearmonthday), that I actually wrote the date left to right, saying nian yue ri, happily summore. GURHHH!!!!

Paper 2 was more forgiving and this time I actually knew what I was talking about.
and for once, the comprehension passages were comprehensible by human beings.

Only nerve-wrecking moment was when I realised that I wrote the first 3 compre answers on the answering lines meant for the last 3 ones. I started copying the first ans to the correct answer space until I came to the 5 line-long answer of the second
question and decided that it was way too long to copy without me running out of time and reaching a point of despair.
Thankfulllly. The altruistic, beneficent, benign, benignant, goodhearted, kindhearted, invigilator allowed me to change the qns no.s of my answers, saving me the dejection, depression, despondence, despondency, doldrums, dolefulness, downheartedness, dumps, dysphoria, funk (wth? funk is synonymous with sadness? sob. I'm feeling funky..tsbwhaha..) , glumness, heavy-heartedness, melancholy, mope, mournfulness, unhappiness, which I would have otherwise have had to go through.

Come to think of it, my definition of lukewarm is anything but.

If there's anything I've learnt today, shit happens, and you usually only realise it when it's too late. Yeah, great.

Yest was the last CL intensive lesson. Actually stayed back after the intensive to have some extra intensive. I think we're doing all this(at least I am) just to have some feeling of assurance,security, all that.
In fact the only part where i actually learnt something is when someone started talking about prefects and thinking differently.
In my sincere opinion, they're simply groomed by the school to become puppets for the school. Walking advertorials, flawless facades. She mentioned that anyone who questions authority is promptly dealt with by singling them out.
"The nail that sticks out gets hammered down. "
Reminds me of house elves, banging their heads whenever they've disobeyed master.
"Bad Dobby! *Bang* *bang*"
Therefore, you either speak up or shut up.

My eyebags are getting darker and deeper. Quite sad because I'm actually sleeping earlier now, but I've realised that I've had them since young, so its probably due to bad genes,haha.
Eyes are the windows to one's soul, so maybe I'm getting darker and deeper.
Nah, I'm still a shallow person with an uneven skin tone.

I've realised a gradual decline of myself. I always had a graph in my mind of highs and lows of my life and it's a whole lotta parabolas. I think right now it's at the (0,-16) vertex. I'm sure there're a gazillion people going thru a much hellish life than me and cursing me for wallowing in self-pity.

Within these 2 years, my ability to express myself has inexplicably declining. I have no idea when, but at one stage I completely lost my sense of humour, I assure you it really sucked. I struggled coming up with witty retorts and from there it really just went down. My sentences were left awkwardly hanging when I had the tipofmytoungue syndrome. Words were mangled by tongue-tiedness and occassional jokes were murdered by my lame laughter.
I seriously think it affected some conspicuous part of my brain.

You'd say, geez, you actually sound perfectly fine here yknow, no tongue tiedness or limited vocab whatsoverr.
That's cos I had time to think for words and edit whatever sounded weird or wrong.
Maybe i should add an edit/undo and thesaurus button when I talk so that it solves my problem.

That's it for this nonsensical post which will probably make me cringe when i read it next time!
Bye! And so there Germaine, who says i never update my blog but in fact it is she who does not even visit it!

have made a silent note that i shall not rant nonsensically and let my emotions, very disturbing ones, i shall say, get the better of me.
I guess it's just cuz the exams were nearing and you all know how exams can screw the most sane person up. Needless to mention for me. Just can't help anticipating for the results next week and I have no high expectations for any subject whatsoever.
With no expectations, comes no disappointments. -will be my mantra next week.
I'm just visualising the worst case scenarios in my mind, but I guess I'm not the only one, hope not heh.
If you're going down, it'll feel hell lot better if you know a whole lot more people're going down with you too.
For now just I'm just waiting in limbo.

Reading the newspapers these days makes my blood boil. It's infuriating to read about the Myanmmar junta behaving like a bunch of manipulative, airheaded, stubborn, nihilistic arses.
Come to think of it, how much can you expect from a bunch of men brainwashed to follow orders from a superstitious, introverted, propagandist, obese old fart, whose highest academic achievement is being a high school dropout.


Stay in school, kids.


Reporters Without Borders, a press-freedom group based in France, recently described Than Shwe as a "notoriously paranoid general" who keeps himself virtually mummified from his own countrymen in the new capital.
Well I say, stay that way!

I just realised how funny and cheesy I sounded in my previous post.
Don't mind me, I'm a confused and hormonal teenager remember?
It was probably the confusion talking (about confucius.LOL. sorry couldn't help it) in that post.
Tee hee.

time and again when the need arises, i find solace and comfort in my own thoughts.
I'm my own personal phychiatrist, enemy, motivational speaker, downfall and windfall.

Sometimes I confide in my little brother. Though he's only 9. He understands, or maybe he simply pretends to.
Whether or not, he listens, well. Maybe it's because he's still so young. Simple.

One year older, one year wiser? One year more worries, troubles. And your brain gets one year more complex.
wonder how wise would one be then?

tomorrow's my birthday. I share the same one as my brother, much to the surprise and admiration of many people.
Though I don't really get why. I mean it's all good, celebrating it together. But really after a while, birthdays really lose their meaning to me. Cakes, presents, wishes? The next day it's just going to feel the same as it did when you were a year younger.
To me it's just another day, time passing, though It sounds quite cliche, unfortunately.

It's not as if you're gonna suddenly wake up tomorrow and feel like a completely different person. It's just you and reality again.




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Sometimes i ask myself what's everyone living for?
Is it really a blessing to be brought to this earth? To go through all the perils and confusion of the world today? A baby, newly introduced to this place, it may seem like a joy to the parents, but they probably don't know what they've landed their precious one into. It's called Earth. Unfortunately, not the best place to be at times like these.

I'm agnostic. It doesn't mean I don't believe in God, but I just am uncertain and have pletiful doubts about it.
Even if there is one, I sometimes think that we're just living in one of his/her experiments.

I don't understand religion. Emotional pillar? Moral standards? Higher being? Life after death? Heaven and hell?

It's just a whole bunch of jargon that gives the illusion of a purpose of religion.
If people keep talking about believing in god and going to heaven if you do when you pass away, then why not just pray, die straight away and go straight to heaven? Wouldn't that save you a lot of trouble rather that going the whole loop of living your life on Earth?
I might come across quite shallow, but I'm just curious.

Why is religion such a previliged thing, such that you'd be better off insulting a person upfront and completely hurting and demoralizing him, rather than even uttering a word about his god? (whom, i may add, may not even exist, or, being and good and forgiving, may have even forgiven you already? Or simply brushed the comment aside as just another petty and cynical remark?)
Religion, like politics, opens the world a whole new spectrum of problems, questions which just doesn't help living an easier task.

"The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God."
-Thomas Jefferson

Condemn those who do not share the same belief as you? What if they're born into the religion? What if they live their whole lives not even knowing that religion exists?
What about those who know full well about religion and it's 'truth' and yet reject it?
Simply put, I don't agree that one should be judged by his or her beliefs, or lack thereof. But rather of their actions and intentions. Just, simply, the innate nature of the person.

I'm sure devout or even mild Xtians would defitinely have a bible full of arguments against what i've said.
But well, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

"Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer."
-- unknown




So bizzare, the thoughts that can flow my head when I'm not noticing.

I hope no one comes here too often, thinking that I've abandoned this place.