GRR. I'm an angsty teen.

Havard or Williburg?



She wants it..

I hate to sound like a whiner.
The Student Council interview was some psychoanalytical sadistic shizz. I think I can comfortably say that I've never been so ambivalent about my fate in an interview before. It put me in screensaver mode for the rest of the weekend. On the other hand, it made me wanna join SC all the more. The interview was designed to tear.you.down.
I'd love to be on the panel of judges staring down at this clueless juniors who'd have no clue how much shit they'd just put themselves in.

Interrogating, rolling my eyes, posing challenges that makes them lose their breath then drilling them with a whole new string of psychoanalysis qns again. sounds fun already!
HAHA. Naw, I ain't that sadistic. You know that right?

Flaws exposed: Bad singing. Awkward silences. Uncontrollable stuttering.

For all that trauma, I have been sincerely humbled by the experience, and if it happens that I don't make the cut, all I have to say is....
WHY NOT? %$#%#!

LOSING STEAM. MUST.PRESS.ON.

Nearly fainted after 3 consecutive monotonous, torturous and meaningless lectures today.
Instead of complaining how irritably hot the CC/LT was, as most people, me inclusive, usually do, it was more to the contrary today. Pretty sure the main reason's the hunger building up during 3 consec. unproductive lectures we had.
I have no idea how anorexics actually enjoy doing their starvation exercises.

People should give Randy Gill a break. He's actually a real humourous and easygoin' guy behind that "Cut your hair, pull down yo skirt and JOIN CRICKET" facade. Perhaps his Discipline comm appointment kinda got to his head but honestly, behind that annoying in your face lecture on why you should "cut your hair, pull your skirt down and JOIN CRICKET", he's pretty much a nice aussie(wth?) dude at heart.

I'd like to end by saying, that his GP lectures are hilarious and enjoyable is a serious understatement.

cheerios!
nix

Don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up, but shall just go with it and see how long I'll last.

My mind is in idle mode again. I'm being mindlessly enthusiastic and practically living like a social butterfly.
I hope I'm not just acting and putting on a false front, though I know I've changed. Perhaps this side has been suppressed for the past two year and I finally have an avenue to release it.

JC life is a draining world. Feels like I've been half-sapped of my supposed endless energy already.
The places that you dwell gives you different feelings, and you react the way you feel toward them.

In JC, it's like a primary-secondary sch hybrid.
Besides the obvious point that I am seeing both sec sch and pri sch mates again, the dynamics of the school seems to come from a mix of these two areas of my life. Sec sch dynamics meaning,
from the st margs perspective, awfully nice people, most of em anyway.
Pri sch dynamics meaning, I still sense an inherent need to prove myself in a social sense and the occasional feeling inferiority complex.

Oddly, I'm embracing, enjoying it even. Being preoccupied fulfills me.
I'm talking in such a weird fashion on my blog, it appalls me.

Less honestly and bluntness, more sarcasm and irony I'd say!

oh please as if anyone is ever going to stumble upon my blog and notice that after 10 lightyears (actually that's a measure of distance, not so much of time) 2 millenniums and a trigamazillion decades later, I've finally bothered to actually post again.

OH god. I wonder whether I'm still narcissistic enough to start this again.

Apparently yes,
for now.

YEESH!

I'm becoming a total antisocial, angoraphobic psychopath. And I'm not just saying that.

I mean, I spent my first 2 weeks of holidays holed up at home, reading.

Reading you say? Well that doesnt sound THAT BAD, doesn't it?
In normal circumstances, I'd agree. But I read the entire bloody(no pun intended, really!) twilight saga, damnit!
And that, is just, abhorribly abnormal.

The only thing I remembered about twilight was that I flinched everytime someone said it to me. Went about tellin people
" don't READ IT. don't READ IT. dont MENTION IT IN FRONT OF ME. don't TALK TO ME ABOUT IT."

Guess there's something to be said about reverse psychology.

But I've got to say. I guess I'm feeling what the stupid fuss about the book is all about.
Kinda killed the inner cynic in me for awhile.
That IS something. Either that or it's just my hormones talking.

I've been quite a bum since the commencement of the long awaited, overrated, overhyped up holidays.
Other than excavating the Mt Everest made of TenYearSeries and exam papers in my room, I've been pretty much lazing and idling around in my happy place(apparently I'm deluded already).

Oh dear, think I'm becoming incoherent again.

I wonder anything productive actually came out of this entire post. For all I know, I could be hallucinating about typing this entry. Alas, I'm not.

Man, do I sound crazy or what?

MT O levls were pretty lukewarm, i experienced an influx of multiple emotions during each paper.
The bewilderement when I flipped Paper 1 and realised none of the questions actualy made sense(to me).
The defeated (what's the england equivalent for 'sian'?) feeling when I had no choice but to submit myself into choosing to write a letter to the newspaper about mindless, reckless drivers and a analysis of the supposedly inferior service standards of Spore's tourism industry.

[ahem, it all sounds really complex and impressive when I say it here. well that's because I'm speaking in english, if you actually read my essay in chinese, it wouldn't be surprising if you mistook it for a paper written by a dyslexic 5 yr old.]

The triumphant feeling when I finally completed both essays, albeit secretly being aware that most of it was the result of a dyslexic child with verbal diarrhoea.
Then feeling a bit guilty and repulsed by my awkward eloquence that filled my essay which force fed with vague and cliched idioms like, " fan shi bi you ying, " (which sounds abit like rice has to have english without those tone strokes, wadever u call it) meaning everthing happens for a reason and a lot of other boring stuff that everyone else probably thought of.

The my-life-has-no-purpose feeling when I realised that I wrote the date format on my letter was daymonthyear, THE VERY SECOND THE TCHER WAS COLLECTING THE PAPER FROM ME.
I think I got so used to saying nian yue ri(yearmonthday), that I actually wrote the date left to right, saying nian yue ri, happily summore. GURHHH!!!!

Paper 2 was more forgiving and this time I actually knew what I was talking about.
and for once, the comprehension passages were comprehensible by human beings.

Only nerve-wrecking moment was when I realised that I wrote the first 3 compre answers on the answering lines meant for the last 3 ones. I started copying the first ans to the correct answer space until I came to the 5 line-long answer of the second
question and decided that it was way too long to copy without me running out of time and reaching a point of despair.
Thankfulllly. The altruistic, beneficent, benign, benignant, goodhearted, kindhearted, invigilator allowed me to change the qns no.s of my answers, saving me the dejection, depression, despondence, despondency, doldrums, dolefulness, downheartedness, dumps, dysphoria, funk (wth? funk is synonymous with sadness? sob. I'm feeling funky..tsbwhaha..) , glumness, heavy-heartedness, melancholy, mope, mournfulness, unhappiness, which I would have otherwise have had to go through.

Come to think of it, my definition of lukewarm is anything but.

If there's anything I've learnt today, shit happens, and you usually only realise it when it's too late. Yeah, great.

Yest was the last CL intensive lesson. Actually stayed back after the intensive to have some extra intensive. I think we're doing all this(at least I am) just to have some feeling of assurance,security, all that.
In fact the only part where i actually learnt something is when someone started talking about prefects and thinking differently.
In my sincere opinion, they're simply groomed by the school to become puppets for the school. Walking advertorials, flawless facades. She mentioned that anyone who questions authority is promptly dealt with by singling them out.
"The nail that sticks out gets hammered down. "
Reminds me of house elves, banging their heads whenever they've disobeyed master.
"Bad Dobby! *Bang* *bang*"
Therefore, you either speak up or shut up.

My eyebags are getting darker and deeper. Quite sad because I'm actually sleeping earlier now, but I've realised that I've had them since young, so its probably due to bad genes,haha.
Eyes are the windows to one's soul, so maybe I'm getting darker and deeper.
Nah, I'm still a shallow person with an uneven skin tone.

I've realised a gradual decline of myself. I always had a graph in my mind of highs and lows of my life and it's a whole lotta parabolas. I think right now it's at the (0,-16) vertex. I'm sure there're a gazillion people going thru a much hellish life than me and cursing me for wallowing in self-pity.

Within these 2 years, my ability to express myself has inexplicably declining. I have no idea when, but at one stage I completely lost my sense of humour, I assure you it really sucked. I struggled coming up with witty retorts and from there it really just went down. My sentences were left awkwardly hanging when I had the tipofmytoungue syndrome. Words were mangled by tongue-tiedness and occassional jokes were murdered by my lame laughter.
I seriously think it affected some conspicuous part of my brain.

You'd say, geez, you actually sound perfectly fine here yknow, no tongue tiedness or limited vocab whatsoverr.
That's cos I had time to think for words and edit whatever sounded weird or wrong.
Maybe i should add an edit/undo and thesaurus button when I talk so that it solves my problem.

That's it for this nonsensical post which will probably make me cringe when i read it next time!
Bye! And so there Germaine, who says i never update my blog but in fact it is she who does not even visit it!

have made a silent note that i shall not rant nonsensically and let my emotions, very disturbing ones, i shall say, get the better of me.
I guess it's just cuz the exams were nearing and you all know how exams can screw the most sane person up. Needless to mention for me. Just can't help anticipating for the results next week and I have no high expectations for any subject whatsoever.
With no expectations, comes no disappointments. -will be my mantra next week.
I'm just visualising the worst case scenarios in my mind, but I guess I'm not the only one, hope not heh.
If you're going down, it'll feel hell lot better if you know a whole lot more people're going down with you too.
For now just I'm just waiting in limbo.

Reading the newspapers these days makes my blood boil. It's infuriating to read about the Myanmmar junta behaving like a bunch of manipulative, airheaded, stubborn, nihilistic arses.
Come to think of it, how much can you expect from a bunch of men brainwashed to follow orders from a superstitious, introverted, propagandist, obese old fart, whose highest academic achievement is being a high school dropout.


Stay in school, kids.


Reporters Without Borders, a press-freedom group based in France, recently described Than Shwe as a "notoriously paranoid general" who keeps himself virtually mummified from his own countrymen in the new capital.
Well I say, stay that way!

I just realised how funny and cheesy I sounded in my previous post.
Don't mind me, I'm a confused and hormonal teenager remember?
It was probably the confusion talking (about confucius.LOL. sorry couldn't help it) in that post.
Tee hee.

time and again when the need arises, i find solace and comfort in my own thoughts.
I'm my own personal phychiatrist, enemy, motivational speaker, downfall and windfall.

Sometimes I confide in my little brother. Though he's only 9. He understands, or maybe he simply pretends to.
Whether or not, he listens, well. Maybe it's because he's still so young. Simple.

One year older, one year wiser? One year more worries, troubles. And your brain gets one year more complex.
wonder how wise would one be then?

tomorrow's my birthday. I share the same one as my brother, much to the surprise and admiration of many people.
Though I don't really get why. I mean it's all good, celebrating it together. But really after a while, birthdays really lose their meaning to me. Cakes, presents, wishes? The next day it's just going to feel the same as it did when you were a year younger.
To me it's just another day, time passing, though It sounds quite cliche, unfortunately.

It's not as if you're gonna suddenly wake up tomorrow and feel like a completely different person. It's just you and reality again.




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Sometimes i ask myself what's everyone living for?
Is it really a blessing to be brought to this earth? To go through all the perils and confusion of the world today? A baby, newly introduced to this place, it may seem like a joy to the parents, but they probably don't know what they've landed their precious one into. It's called Earth. Unfortunately, not the best place to be at times like these.

I'm agnostic. It doesn't mean I don't believe in God, but I just am uncertain and have pletiful doubts about it.
Even if there is one, I sometimes think that we're just living in one of his/her experiments.

I don't understand religion. Emotional pillar? Moral standards? Higher being? Life after death? Heaven and hell?

It's just a whole bunch of jargon that gives the illusion of a purpose of religion.
If people keep talking about believing in god and going to heaven if you do when you pass away, then why not just pray, die straight away and go straight to heaven? Wouldn't that save you a lot of trouble rather that going the whole loop of living your life on Earth?
I might come across quite shallow, but I'm just curious.

Why is religion such a previliged thing, such that you'd be better off insulting a person upfront and completely hurting and demoralizing him, rather than even uttering a word about his god? (whom, i may add, may not even exist, or, being and good and forgiving, may have even forgiven you already? Or simply brushed the comment aside as just another petty and cynical remark?)
Religion, like politics, opens the world a whole new spectrum of problems, questions which just doesn't help living an easier task.

"The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God."
-Thomas Jefferson

Condemn those who do not share the same belief as you? What if they're born into the religion? What if they live their whole lives not even knowing that religion exists?
What about those who know full well about religion and it's 'truth' and yet reject it?
Simply put, I don't agree that one should be judged by his or her beliefs, or lack thereof. But rather of their actions and intentions. Just, simply, the innate nature of the person.

I'm sure devout or even mild Xtians would defitinely have a bible full of arguments against what i've said.
But well, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

"Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer."
-- unknown




So bizzare, the thoughts that can flow my head when I'm not noticing.

I hope no one comes here too often, thinking that I've abandoned this place.

alamak. I sounded like a suicidal/confused teenager in my last post. Last thing I want to be.
but whatever,
I should have been feeling like that today after I collected back my papers, half of them anyway, the massacre's not over just yet.
But I think I took it quite well anyway. I went in with no expectations, so I didn't have any disappointment.

It's a pretty simple strategy to overcome the oh-shit-i'm -getting-back-exam-results-anxiety syndrome.
The symptoms easy to recognise because it's damn nerve wrecking-continuous, whirrrrling, stirrring, gurrgling of the digestive juices in the stomach. You can puke if the need arises.

Well at least I finally found a way to curb the annoying problem.

People in class sometimes tell me that our class is a really competitive and what nots. But I'm not really feeling the heat or whatever they claim it is. The only people who really feel it are those who keep comparing their marks.
Sure, a little friendly competition won't hurt, but keep doing it and you'll start judging yourself by others' standards, which is pointless, actually.

Arguing that comparison keeps people striving for perfection is true, but once you realise that you're not up to par or better than your subject of comparison(your friends lah), you start getting jealous, upset or even depressed.
It might not seem apparent at first, but one way or another, once the cycle starts, it keeps going and going unless you get your head back on properly and start focusing on just your OWN marks. Who cares if the girl next to you gets straight As all the time? Like it's your problem,though it's not a problem exactly.
Nonetheless, if you improved from a D to a B, not that I'm comparing but, that just makes you as good as all the straight A asses all around.
Comparison adds so much unnecessary pressure on people, so much so that we're unable to work at our own comfortable pace because we keep urging ourselves to go faster and faster so we'll be able to catch up with _______(fill in the blank).

Furthermore, isn't bloody annoying when people come up to you and pester you for your marks and start rejoicing and making so much noise like it's Chinese New year when they find out they've done better than you?
Feel free to slap these insensitive farts if need be.
At the end of the day, I'd just like to say that success comes to those who focus on their outcome rather than those paranoid and irritatin' people who spend their time stretching their necks over to people's papers just to satisfy their insecurities.

Well, that's it for my personal counselling session today.

Now, I just need to figure out how to receive the science papers on Mon without having to resort to living in denial.

Cheers! =)

sometimes I feel like I don't make sense.
Like now.

I mean, like my previous post.
My mind is quite messed up sometimes.

sorry if the song is too melodramatic. well i like it.
String quartet covers of modern music simply rock.
The weird thing is they call themselves 'Vitamin String Quartet' .
I know, what the?
Reminiscence of Vitamin C? The last thing they'd do is to cover 'Friends Forever'. I'd kill them.


Religious or racial harmony, I've learnt, is simply just a facade.
Sensitive issue? It's the truth my dear, so accept it. I haven't, but the world is far from perfect because human beings make up majority of it.

Sometimes I wish I was a cat, or something else rather than a bleddy homosapien.
Intelligence destroys.

hooha. moi is back.

after the longest-i think-hiatus of this blog's life. hah. don't worry, there'll be more in the future, i'm sure.

Meanwhile, i've been anticipating my eoyresults. Only one word would describe them...horrendous.
I mean, i'm so prepared to fail a gazillion and one subjects already.

But what's done is done yknow.
I might have spilt the milk already, but we still got another carton in the fridge.
I daydream about receiving my failure papers when I've got nothin to do, it's
I'm just so prepared I think I'll hardly be in shock when I get those dreaded papers.

Well i'm just glad that this aint O lvls. Just means I still got time.
Man, i'm not gonna drop any subjects.

Meanwhile during this longweekend, I watched Lakehouse on HBO twice. I liked the OST by Keane so much, I went to youtube and tubed for Somewhere Only We Know.love that song.
Then I got into my coldplay/thefray/keane phase and started tubing for them all, acoustics and what nots. They're comfort songs.

That's about it during my loserish weekend.but hey, i enjoyed myself.

ERrr. I don't like starting posts cos usually i need to think of something cool to say. which i am totally not. which is why i have to think.haha haha *snorts* haha. i am like totally cool haha *snortsnort* hahaha.

How's this for a totally k-e-w-l starting,
hey..im chua, nicki chua.
how? cool right? haharhar.

oka, nuff bull from me.

I am not in the mood for pictures, going to school, or anywhere that requires me to show my face. nobody is to come near me and is to strictly stay away from me and only allowed within a 10km radius of me, unless you're visually impaired or the sum of the degrees of both your eyes equate to >1000drgees, then fine, you can come as close as ya want.

No i don't have sars,dengue, chicken pox or anything you'd die from.
Let's just say for now, that i resemble the godess of mercy and leave it at that shall we?
IF you still don't SEE THE PICTURE. i suggest you proceed to the nearest temple and search for the GOM.
If you can't be bothered, google guanyin or stuff liddat. Better yet, ask your mother/auntie/grandma/grandauntie to describe how she looks like.

With all that visualizing, I hope you still won't be able to figure out what i mean.

tata@_@

I am just bloody depriving myself of a social life.
OH wait. LIke I ever had one.

I got nothing to talk about seriously. Besides anything academic and the fact that I watched Die Hard at 1 am in the morn and Harry didn't live up to all the hype. Do yourself good and just read the book. Don't watch it with little ones lest you want em to start tellin you "I needa pee" 10minutes into the show.
No I'm not talking bout my bro. He was surprsingly engrossed with the movie. Unfortunately, same couldn't be said for his fellow counterparts scattered round the theatre

Uninterstingly mechanical sums up life nowadays. The

a few decades and a millenium later,

hi i'm nicki and i'm back.
unlike my previous posts, this time i am no way as hell gonna say that i am sorry that i left you to die while i lived my own life.
i'm tired of always being reminded off ll the abrupt endings i left behind. I have too much on my hands now to make a commitment. i won't make another empty hollow promise ever again....it's not you, it's me.
Yeah, i used to really adore you, i did. But now you're becoming quite a burden. i'm sorry my dear.............................blog.

HEH!! I sure hope i misled ya on that.

So right now it's 5am in the morn, i've just finished my physics report and sent to my friend. I was absent today,er yesterday, i mean. Planning to absent myself today again, since i havent slept since the last 24hours. Anyway my MC says "good for 2 days". So i got nothing to be guilty bout. I AM still pretty,quite,slighty,hardly sick.eheh..

now i'm just quite happy that i am temporarily salvaged from the merciless ratrace.

how do you change this template thing. this whole fancy pretty ''ubercool'' oh-my-gawd-i-lurvve-your-blogskin thing is a bit nuts. And it's starting to look so pretentious. not to mention messy.

sorry sorry.
I'm now ressurecting this pathetic blog okay. so stop complaining you idiots.

I'll update bout Japan when I've more time.

Right now I will devote some time some time to rant about how bleedy strict sch has been, or rather how much MH has spoiled us.

Every morning, we start with Devotions. Some teacher will quote some verse from e bible and elaborate, explain and give some evidence.
Imagine Mr Syed's speech EVERYDAY, on the bright side, they don't speak in a monotonous and beat around the bush way.
They just tell it to your face as it is.

Then we sing the national anthem, (which they have specially adjusted to be an octave higher) where throughout the whole song, the loudest voice you hear is the head prefect saying "School, Please sing louder."

On the first day when they could't play the song, we had to sing w/o music, and honestly it was the creepiest rendition of the national anthem I had ever heard.

Socks pulled up and logos visible.
Detention if homework incomplete.
CWO after school for latecoming.
(I don't know what it means, don't wanna know)
A whole list more. The teachers tell you everyday.
Plus they have pretty annoying prefects to enforce it.1

Anyway, Anne is supposed to be in my class 3/6 which supposedly houses all smartassed straight A's and guai kias.
To further prove the point, half the class are prefects.
But clever sneaky stupid Anne isn't back from Indo yet! Well she's coming back tomorrow anyway.

But she managed to skip the horrendously boring, lame and pointless Sec one orientation which I had to go for, along with the other new sec 2 and 3 students. The only thing i really throughly enjoyed during the whole camp was the food, which I cannot deny, was pretty good.
Thankfully I didn't have to stay over.

I'm glad the whole thing is over now. But hey, next week's sec 3 camp at Sarimbum man.
Sheesh. I know that place like my own toilet already.
Hopefully I'll make more friends there. The people seem friendly but are not that open to us noobies yet.

Catch the next episode, next weekend! I won't be updating everyday from now onwards, I'll be so bloody busy, you'll be lucky enough seeing a new sentence posted here every week.

CIAO people!

IN EXACTLY 50 HOURS AND 55 MINUTES FROM NOW,

I'll be among the clouds in a Japan Airlines eating sashimi on my way to..Tokyo BABY!!!!

Bubbye awfully humid humidly awful singapore!!

Konichiwa Sushi sashimi shinkansen(bullet train) and fuji-san!

The best part is.......................................................................................

Disneyland Tokyo!!

Sorry, let's try that again.

I said

Tokyo Disneyland!

i know,this pic kinda sucks. couldn find a more magical one lah.

The last time i remember Disneyland was when I was 6, i think, running around in a snow white costume feeling absolutely princessy, but that's all that i remembered damnit!

YAY!

Sayonara amigos!!

Campteen was so last week.
But anyway I'll just quickly run through the whole thing pronto.

Erm, Race against time..this year Nature Ramble was cancelled...
to much disappointment and protest..
The closest we got to bein dirty was King of the Hill, which we didn't give a shit bout completing. We got mud masks though.
Blahblahblah...

for Amazing race we came back second..............................................
last. On the way back in the bus, we shared lame jokes with the other group and bobby told ghost stories. The gals toilet seemed to be a frequent nightspot for the spookies.
The posessed girl story was tingly...

Campfire was just warm..
with the exception of the 'Dancing Queen' thing. My lovely group pushed me out...but thankfully we were all blindfolded while we danced. Otherwise I wouldn't have danced the way i did. Thank god i wasn't the winner, I told anyone who asked that i was posessed.period.

Disco after the campfire was pretty fun.
We saw Lee Pei(mad scientist loll) shakin her thang. hahhahahhaha.
You had to be there to see how she was shakin LOL! She even did this disco point thing..like point to the sky and pose! She was even doin it on the way back to the campsite...hahahaha. It was a sight.

Movie under the stars was...Madacasgar..kinda disappointingly.
but neh-mind!.i went to the canteen to play the Milo game with the last of the monkshillians...
Especially the name the bra brand, make-up brand..im surprised that some guys were kinda stumped. I thought they woulda aced it. hee.

I had a helluva time tryna persuade girls to let me tell them the story bout the girl's toilet before they went to shower.hahaha.
Then I remembered I woke up 5.30 on the first day and went to the toilet myself, even though it was 2 days ago, it was freaky to know i actually did it.

All in all, campteen was pretty lukewarm this year(for me), but at least this time i collected a jar full of lame jokes.
Can't wait to spread the joy!